If you’re my friend and I’m drinking; we’re cool. If I love you and I’m drinking; I’ll tear you the fuck apart. Wow. Moment of lucidity here. I really should stop drinking. Friends & Loved Ones: Stop encouraging me to drink! Smoking is OK. Thanks for your time and attention.
Tags: Life
Fawn: i’m happy as can be. i’m sorry when you walk around with a dark cloud over your head, you’re gunna get wet… so don’t come to me with that dark cloud because i’m a ray of fucking sunshine!
Tags: Quotes
1) I like dogs, in most cases, more than people.
2) Fish are under-rated and under-appreciated as pets.
3) People are over-rated (as pets and in general.)
4) Cats are ok, in some cases people rank higher than cats.
5) I play video games often, but not often enough.
6) Comics are a valid form of literature. If your book doesn’t have pictures in it, you’re not necessarily smarter than me. It just means your author doesn’t have friends who can draw.
7) I prefer watching Turner Classic Movies over HBO or Showtime.
8) If there’s a holiday or a special event, you can bet that I’ll be sick. Always happens, without fail.
9) I often drive with my legs crossed.
10) I’ve always wanted to lean under the sneeze guard at a restaurant and sneeze just for the hell of it.
11) My new rule for relationships is that if my dog doesn’t like you (or vice versa), it’s not going to work out. He adores me even when I don’t have make-up on, haven’t yet showered AND when I’m hormonal. You’re easier to replace.
12) I have seven piercings (all in the ears) and one tattoo. I’m open to more.
13) I can be perfectly content with not ever getting on another roller coaster in my life.
14) It’s hard for me to accept help even when I need it. It’s even harder to ask for it. I’m working on correcting this one.
15) I’m every bit as idealistic and romantic at my core as I am emotionally detached and logical on the surface.
16) I’m more superstitious than I care to admit.
17) I love nature and being outside, but I hate bugs. The latter makes it hard to enjoy the former.
18) I’m an INTJ type personality.
19) The Princess Bride is my favorite movie of all time.
20) I could watch English sketch comedy or stand-up all day.
21) I could be just as happy cuddling with someone I love in silence all night.
22) When I’m cold, I will stick my cold hands/feet on you and laugh about it.
23) When I’m warm, I will stick ice cubes down your clothes and laugh about it.
24) I will also engage in snowball fights in the freezer section of the grocery store.
25) I procrastinate. A lot. I’m doing it now, even.
26) Tulips and carnations are my favorite flowers.
27) My favorite colors are purple and green.
Tags: Lists
Silent Y Mind: anyways, I know this is a morbid topic.
Silent Y Mind: I was just trying to set it up to tell you that if you die, I’m not burying you.
Sequor Me: good
Sequor Me: i wouldn’t want to be buried
Silent Y Mind: I’m going to turn you into an heirloom.
Sequor Me: that’s so sweet… one of those yellow diamonds?
Silent Y Mind: Yes!
Silent Y Mind: well, I dont feel yellow captures your essence
Silent Y Mind: but yes
Sequor Me: they usually come out yellow… i thought
Silent Y Mind: its your choice.
Silent Y Mind: http://www.lifegem.com/
Silent Y Mind: If I had to pick a color to suit you, I would choose black. Naturally.
Silent Y Mind: But black is unbecoming, and probably not an option.
Sequor Me: i was thinking purple.. but they don’t have purple
Silent Y Mind: I think you would look beautiful in a pale azure.
Sequor Me: I’d turn you into a red one… then if i’m blue.. and you’re red.. together we’ll be purple!
Silent Y Mind: I think it would be beautiful, to turn us into a pair of earrings, and have our daughter wear one of us in each ear.
Silent Y Mind: So we could always be close to her, and watch over her.
Sequor Me: that’s sweet in a creepy sort of way…
Silent Y Mind: im kidding, of course.
Sequor Me: i hope so…
Sequor Me: because necklaces are the way to go.
*****
Sequor Me: maybe i’ll just take you in to the taxidermy place… have them stuff you.
Silent Y Mind: That seems irreverent.
Sequor Me: how so?
Silent Y Mind: Im not a fish!
Sequor Me: no
Sequor Me: but i could still hug you!
Silent Y Mind: oh baby….
Silent Y Mind: thats so sweet
Silent Y Mind: But I would never die without seeing that my affairs were in order.
Silent Y Mind: That I had enough life insurance to see that you were taken care of.
Silent Y Mind: And that i’d already picked out my replacement.
Sequor Me: replacement?
Silent Y Mind: yes, to keep you warm and for you to huggle so you wont have to be alone.
Sequor Me: see.. that’s why i get you stuffed… and then if god forbid you die before the kids are grown.. i can still tell them things like, “go ask your father.” when they want to go to the mall
Silent Y Mind: …
Silent Y Mind: Thats fucking wierd.
Silent Y Mind: I love you.
Silent Y Mind: okay
Silent Y Mind: If i die before they’re grown, you can get me stuffed.
Silent Y Mind: But as soon as the last little rascal hits 18, I want to be diamonded.
Sequor Me: alright, baby.
Sequor Me: you know this is going on my blog, right?
Silent Y Mind: …
Silent Y Mind: whatever
Tags: Quotes
Revelations come when they want to, how they want to, I suppose. I wasn’t expecting for this profound discovery to happen quite this way… Through the traumatic and potentially shattering experience that is rejection and divorce, I had no idea that I would end up discovering my long lost sense of self-worth.
Yet, that’s exactly what happened today. The Ex dropped a huge bomb on me. The girl that I was suspicious of - the female that I had come to view as a physical symbol of the demise of our relationship - is his new girlfriend. I had fully expected that to happen. On some level I had made some sort of peace with it. What hit me hard was that he had lied to me about dating her, on more than one occasion, and what was to come took that dagger through the heart to the next level entirely. In a moment of anger and jealousy he said he had sex with her recently. The day before we last had sex, actually. Of course this was after we had already split up, but the proximity of it was crushing to me.
He said he made up the sex remark, that it was something he blurted out because he wanted to hurt me. Whether he lied about it or not is truly irrelevant to me. Today, I realized that this whole amicable divorce thing is a myth. There is no friendship in this for us. He said something he knew had the potential of ripping me apart and he said it with the intention of doing so. Afterwards he apologized, for a few hours straight actually but it’s meaningless to me. While I am entirely capable of forgiveness, I don’t feel he’s worthy. He wants to be friends. I told him I don’t see the point. There is nothing he can offer me that will be worth what I can lose. I have no respect left for him. I have no trust, at all, in him. I can’t believe anything he says to me. Everything he’s ever said to me in the past has been cast into doubt now. There is nothing worth salvaging at this point for me.
The strangest part of this all is that rather than being crushed by all of this… I feel empowered. It made me realize that I am pretty fucking awesome and I deserve so much better. I am devoted and loyal, but I will no longer be loyal and devoted to the point that it is detrimental to me. I am an honest person, not only when it suits me or when I stand to have something to gain, but even when it hurts to be honest. I may be struggling now, but overall I’m a very together person. I have so much to do in this life. There is so much that I am capable of achieving. I may not be the standard of American beauty, but I am beautiful. I have worth and I am worth so much more than this. I will not waste my gifts on anyone who is not worthy of them, anyone who will not appreciate me. I won’t spend my life trying to motivate a person when they do nothing to motivate me.
Today, I shed too many tears over a lie, too many tears over malicious words that were meant to destroy the tiny shred of self-confidence and self-respect that I had left. In the end though, it reinforced my confidence rather than destroy it. I am not the same person I was 6 hours ago. I’m stronger. I’m worth so much more than what I’ve been allowing myself to receive. I owe it to myself to be discriminating in my relationships. I’m going to start holding myself accountable for taking care of myself – emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am worth so much more than I have given myself credit for. I’m worth more than this pain. I’m worth so much more.
Tags: Life
There’s a tattoo of your name across my soul
When I talked to the Ex a few days ago, we discussed our shared sense of disorientation. He said something along the lines of feeling like the earth was spinning so fast beneath our feet and we’re just not able to keep up. Everything is changing and so swiftly too, yet we’re moving at a snail’s pace. That’s exactly how I feel. We all have our coping mechanisms, our ways of responding and adapting to the world around us. My latest one involved getting a tattoo.
The only way I can begin to rationalize this act now is by saying it was my way of showing up the racing Earth beneath my feet by shouting, “Hey! I can not only keep up with you, I can outdo you!” It was absolutely crazy. It was not even a spur of the moment kind of thing. This was something I had almost a full 24 hours to ruminate over. This was thought-out craziness. Yet, still I cast aside all doubts and sense of reason and just went for it.
I don’t regret it. I can totally see why anyone else would think I am “clinically insane.” For me, though, it made sense. In a twisted sort of way, it still does. It was a crazy, somehow delayed-impulsive, and totally uncalled for act. Still, I think I would do it again.
Sometimes, we need to throw reason to the wind and act on our impulses. This is especially true if one spends most of the time in the land of reason and logic. There has to be a happy medium, a sense of balance. Finding that balance, in my case, involved going from one extreme to the other. Now that I have got that out of my system, maybe life will start to normalize.
—————-
Now playing: VAST - Tattoo of Her Name
via FoxyTunes
Tags: Life
Silent Y Mind12:04:47 AM
The point is that a mans power comes from his sperm.
Silent Y Mind12:05:37 AM
It’s about obtaining that animality that extends far beyond the bedroom.
sequor_me12:07:56 AM
go for it. conquer the world with your animality and throw in a fatality and bability for good measure..
Silent Y Mind12:09:00 AM
Promise me if I ever have to kill someone in front of you
Silent Y Mind12:09:13 AM
Like….lets say we’re out for a quiet moonlight stroll on the docks
Silent Y Mind12:09:16 AM
And we get mugged
Silent Y Mind12:09:32 AM
And I manage to get the upper hand, and wrestle his weapon away from him
Silent Y Mind12:09:49 AM
And I have the gun or knife or whatever to his head, and I pause and look over at you
Silent Y Mind12:09:59 AM
Promise me you’ll quietly intone the words finish him?
sequor_me12:10:17 AM
Baby… you don’t even have to ask
***
Silent Y Mind12:20:22 AM
I’m staying sober and sticking to beer tonight.
***
Silent Y Mind10:43:41 PM
My uncle made it very clear that I should use my powers for good and not personal gain.
sequor_me10:44:05 PM
with great power comes great responsibility…
sequor_me10:47:22 PM
can you do me a favor?
sequor_me10:48:31 PM
I want to you shout out… “My spidey sense is tingling!” and call me mary jane…
Tags: Quotes
This blog is being reborn. This will be a place of truth and accountability. This is my place to tell my story, be it through the happy times or the dark ones. Perhaps, someone will find this journal and see that they are not alone in their struggles. Maybe this will help someone else. For now though, I’m hoping this will help me.
If you just wandered in and don’t know me, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Kelly and I’m not quite well.
For the past five weeks, I have been in an intensive outpatient program at a mental health facility. Prior to this adventure through the proverbial looking glass, I attended therapy on at least a weekly basis for three months. This, in no way shape or form, means that I was a healthy individual before. It only means that I was too unwell to seek treatment. It may be a difficult concept at first, but it’s true. Most of the time, I was too sick to realize it. In the few moments when I was conscious to the severity of my “problems” I thought I was too hopeless a case or that I was just too sensitive.
I don’t know what awakened me exactly. Maybe I became aware on a subconscious level that I would need to start caring for myself soon. You see, for the past 11 years I have been in a relationship. On the 6th of January, nestled right smack in the middle of our anniversary (1/1) and my birthday (1/13), my husband and I separated. I gave him the out he’d been wanting for a while. I don’t blame him. I wasn’t happy about it. I harbor some resentment. But, I don’t blame him.
I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I have not attempted suicide, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t given it some serious thought. That’s not me, though. “All in” isn’t my style. I partake in little deaths. Suicide requires an active role. Passivity is more comfortable for me. I just don’t put in the effort to take care of myself. I sent Death a notice by carrier pigeon rather than phoning it in.
Though I haven’t been diagnosed with any sort of anxiety disorder, my ability to tolerate stress has been slowly drained. I’ve felt the racing pulse, racing thoughts, and impending doom characteristic of panic attacks, but I deal with these symptoms before they evolve. Poison is the cure. Some people self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. I take control of my pain by inflicting pain.
In the past, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa. I feel it coming on again. I am not where I should be health- or happiness-wise in regards to my weight. Having someone around who had a watchful eye due to my history kept me in check. Now that I’m alone there’s no one to make sure I eat. I’ve lost about 30 pounds in the past month.
Obviously, this is a lot to deal with. I thought I had it bad, until I placed myself in my husband’s shoes and realized how much it would hurt to watch someone I cared about take this self-destructive path. That’s where the true pain lies. So, you see, I don’t blame him. Not in the least. There are times that I wish he had stuck around to help me in a time which is obviously difficult for me, but I’m not his responsibility. I am the only person who is responsible for me. Right now, I’m working on realizing that I’m worth that responsibility.
These truly are the Blurst of Times, my friends, and it’s time that I start being honest and facing my demons.
Tags: Life
