Revelations come when they want to, how they want to, I suppose. I wasn’t expecting for this profound discovery to happen quite this way… Through the traumatic and potentially shattering experience that is rejection and divorce, I had no idea that I would end up discovering my long lost sense of self-worth.

Yet, that’s exactly what happened today. The Ex dropped a huge bomb on me. The girl that I was suspicious of - the female that I had come to view as a physical symbol of the demise of our relationship - is his new girlfriend. I had fully expected that to happen. On some level I had made some sort of peace with it. What hit me hard was that he had lied to me about dating her, on more than one occasion, and what was to come took that dagger through the heart to the next level entirely. In a moment of anger and jealousy he said he had sex with her recently. The day before we last had sex, actually. Of course this was after we had already split up, but the proximity of it was crushing to me.

He said he made up the sex remark, that it was something he blurted out because he wanted to hurt me. Whether he lied about it or not is truly irrelevant to me. Today, I realized that this whole amicable divorce thing is a myth. There is no friendship in this for us. He said something he knew had the potential of ripping me apart and he said it with the intention of doing so. Afterwards he apologized, for a few hours straight actually but it’s meaningless to me. While I am entirely capable of forgiveness, I don’t feel he’s worthy. He wants to be friends. I told him I don’t see the point. There is nothing he can offer me that will be worth what I can lose. I have no respect left for him. I have no trust, at all, in him. I can’t believe anything he says to me. Everything he’s ever said to me in the past has been cast into doubt now. There is nothing worth salvaging at this point for me.

The strangest part of this all is that rather than being crushed by all of this… I feel empowered. It made me realize that I am pretty fucking awesome and I deserve so much better. I am devoted and loyal, but I will no longer be loyal and devoted to the point that it is detrimental to me. I am an honest person, not only when it suits me or when I stand to have something to gain, but even when it hurts to be honest. I may be struggling now, but overall I’m a very together person. I have so much to do in this life. There is so much that I am capable of achieving. I may not be the standard of American beauty, but I am beautiful. I have worth and I am worth so much more than this. I will not waste my gifts on anyone who is not worthy of them, anyone who will not appreciate me. I won’t spend my life trying to motivate a person when they do nothing to motivate me.

Today, I shed too many tears over a lie, too many tears over malicious words that were meant to destroy the tiny shred of self-confidence and self-respect that I had left. In the end though, it reinforced my confidence rather than destroy it. I am not the same person I was 6 hours ago. I’m stronger. I’m worth so much more than what I’ve been allowing myself to receive. I owe it to myself to be discriminating in my relationships. I’m going to start holding myself accountable for taking care of myself – emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am worth so much more than I have given myself credit for. I’m worth more than this pain. I’m worth so much more.

Tags: Life