Constantly changing. I don’t do so well with change. It’s not my preferred environment, really. So I’ve been on sort of a rollercoaster these past few weeks. Lots of change. Positive things mostly.
I am employed once again. I’m so thankful for that, even more so because I actually like my job environment. I haven’t had too much hands-on experience to say I like the job, but I love the environment. The people I’ve met so far are awesome. But new people means change. Training, learning new ways to do things means even more change. And even though the change is positive, it’s stressful.
There have been some recent additions to the household. There is a kitty and also the bringer of the kitty. I’m glad to have the both of them. Things may need work, but all parties involved are willing to work together and it’s a wonderful feeling to know that. Houdini loves the kitty-bringer. He doesn’t mind the kitty, even when she walks up and smacks him across the face for no reason, or jumps out from behind something to scare him. He just pauses, looks at her a moment, and then goes about his business.
Houdini is my model of pure goodness. He loves so fully and willingly. He’s never happy, or sad, or angry. He’s either ecstatic, at ease, or curious. I stumbled upon a quote, not sure who said it but it was, “I aspire to be as great of a person as my dog thinks I am.” To me it was such a powerful statement. I not only aspire to be as great of a person as Houdini thinks I am, but I also aspire to be as great of a being as Houdini is so effortlessly. I want to love fully. I want to trust completely, but cautiously. I want to embrace what brings me joy with my whole being and be able to let go of what brings me pain.
I want to be able to eventually love someone as much as I love Houdini, and have someone love me as much as he does. At this point, that seems like a daunting and lofty goal. I would have said “impossible” in the past. That’s a sign that I’m getting closer.
Tags: Life
Juan: hey baby i have something important to tell you
Me: ok
Juan: I love you with all my heart
Me: but?
Juan: but what
that was it i love you with all my heart
Me: well when someone says they have something important to say and starts off with i love you.. there is usually a but
Juan: no that was it i love you
Me: like to soften the blow… i.e. “I love you with all my heart, but a fucked a 10 dollar whore with all of my dick” or “I love you with all of my heart and each of my herpes”
Juan: that’s what was important cause it is
Me: remember, I’m used to asses.
Juan: i love you
Me: I love you too
but
I’m hungry.
Tags: Quotes
There is this point when you’re drinking, or taking anxiety pills, or whatever your particular mind-altering vice is when you reach this wonderful moment of lucidity, of clarity. It’s right between being so depressed and so ordinary and so down-right boring and being totally out of your fucking mind. It’s right before you start slurring your words when you speak, right before you can’t write a line without a typo, right before everything turns to complete and utter shit. In that fragile, fleeting state everything is A-Okay, Hunky-Dorry. It feels like everything is going to be alright. Sure, your life has become a tragic fall, a race to the bottom for the amusement of onlookers. Yet, this state, is magical. I’m in that state. I’ll be here for a few more brief moments, then the memories will return, crashing down with a force so strong that only reality and truth can cause such damage. But right now. I’m at peace. Let me stay here for just a while longer. Please don’t make me go back out there again. I’m comfortable RIGHT HERE. Right now.
And that’s how I know this is a serious problem…. When I want to stay in this euphoric moment. When I start thinking of when I can get there again safely. Safely. I’m still concerned for my safety. That’s got to be good, right? RIGHT??!!!
Great… now I’ve lost the moment… Not to worry… It’ll be okay again soon enough.
Tags: Life
I won’t sneak. I won’t watch my words. I’ll say what I want, when I want. I won’t hide.
If you don’t like what you read, here or elsewhere: Don’t read it. If you accidentally read it, stab your eyes out.
That’s all.
Tags: Life
Life. Life is happening all around me. Constantly. It doesn’t even really need to be said, but here I am, saying it anyways. Maybe because all I’ve been doing these past few months is just taking notice. And that’s even when I can be bothered to do that. Sometimes, actually, I take great pains to try to not take notice. I try to disappear, just fade away, making as little of an impact on everyone and everything as possible.
The only reason I’m writing is because I’m waiting for the internet to come back up and I refuse to sleep. It’s 2:30am, but I refuse to go to sleep.
Relationships of all sorts have been strained. I can only think that I’ve been orchestrating this whole thing: the organized, chaotic downfall of my life. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Everything reminds me of something painful. Every breath I take is labored. I inhale shards of my past that cut me inside- deep, gaping wounds, and exhale despair. I wish for release. I curse myself for not being able to administer that release myself.
Tags: Life
“I would marry you, and then divorce you, just so I could get dini in the settlement. That dog has got it going on.” - Sage
Tags: Quotes
